Call it what you like

MEANWHILE, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

(Taken from President George W. Bush’s declaration of war against Iraq, and slightly altered for a more contemporary terrorist threat.)

U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that war against anti-abortion extremists has begun.

In his address at 0315 GMT Thursday, Obama said:

- That every effort would be made to spare the lives of innocent civilians,- But the campaign will be “broad and concerted” and will use “decisive force.”- No outcome but victory will be accepted,- America’s freedom will be defended.

The following is a full transcript of his address:

“My fellow citizens, at this hour American and coalition forces are in the early stages of operations to disarm the Anti-Abortion Extremists, to defend the world from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine their ability to wage war. These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign.

To all of the men and women of sound mind and common sense now stationed in the Abortion Clinics, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you.

That trust is well placed.

The enemies you confront will come to know your skill and bravery. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirit of core American freedoms.

In this conflict, America faces an enemy who has no regard for conventions of war or rules of morality. These extremists have placed explosive equipment in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and children as shields for their own ideals; a final atrocity against our people.

I want Americans and all the world to know that coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent civilians from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a state as large as Wisconsin could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And achieving a united, stable and free country will require our sustained commitment.

We come against these extremists with respect for their citizenship, and for the religious faiths they practice. We have no ambition except to remove a threat and restore control of our country to its own people.

I know that the families of the victims are praying that all those in the hospital will return safely and soon.

“I would like to listen to the 50 million-plus children that have been aborted and killed since Roe v. Wade,” the senator says.”I would like to listen to what they think of this bill.”

I’d like to hear what the people who have been killed in abortion clinic bombings have to say.

Sometimes I wonder what all of the dead soldiers in WWI thought about trench warfare.

I wouldn’t mind hearing what the 19 hijackers have to say about the U.S’s response to their suicide attacks on September 11th.

I’d love to sit around all day and think of more inflammatory remarks, but there’s a million better things I could do with my time, like listen to people (repeat- PEOPLE.) who are actually effected by Roe v. Wade. Like, for example, expectant mothers who are scared shitless because they aren’t sure if they could support a(nother) baby.

I mean, that’s all we have to go by, isn’t it? And isn’t your job as a politician to keep your constituents’ well being in mind?

Sometimes I wish people would start thinking with their minds, instead of their convictions.